undecided.

alright look. what i am about to post, no one has ever seen. honestly i never planned to show anyone this because i truly hate for other people to see what i write. but i figure that if i am as strong as i claim to be, well, then, people should see. this isn't everything, but it's close enough. I wrote all of this the same day as my last post (june 8th) see if you can tell a difference between day & night.Moving forward can't be this hard <3

its summer and already things seem different. i wish i knew why. look, i'm sitting here on my bed, and for the first time in a long time i'm upset and i can't even cry? maybe i really haven't changed that much after all. then again maybe i have. i guess before i would cry over just about anything, and now i can't. i'm just not like all of my friends who wear their hearts on their sleeves. mine is so protected its like a civilian trying to get into Area 51. impossible to get in. after everything that has happened i guess in a way i'm living up the meaning of the name Alexandria: defender of mankind. lately i've been very protective of my friends...i guess after being hurt so bad i never want anyone to feel the same way. so i'll do whatever i can to protect them...everyone has to learn things on their own every now & then right? they can't always learn from the friend's mistakes. and.that.kills.me. because i never want to see my friends hurt. by anyone....its crazy how i knew all of this was going to come out. i felt it last night and knew the second i was alone everything that was built up in my heart would come out. & it sure did. I may never write novels, or stories, or even very good poetry, but one thing i can write is everything that comes from my heart....the difference between head and heart may only be two letters. but when it comes to deciding which one to follow. the difference is huge.

that isn't even half of what i wrote a week ago, but that will give you the overall theme of it. it seems to me, that the only thing i ever write about is love. good or bad. i wrote a facebook note (it's kind of like chuck and blair) and i think i know now why this is. when someone has one of those great loves in their life, they are given inspiration that never ends. maybe because i've been there, that means i'll always have that fire in my heart. the one that never rests, and drives me to write whatever may come to me. i don't know if i will ever write about anything else, or even if i will ever write again at all. but what i do know, is that however hard things may have been before, i'm eternally grateful. without my past, i wouldn't be able to write the way i do. and well i kind of like it. and i don't really care if you do.