i'm not a mind reader so tell me.

what were you thinking?
he isn't that great
i see right through him
can you?
oh yeah that's right
you
can't.
put a bone down your back & stand up for yourself
but clearly
you
won't.
it's a sad thing to see
you getting hurt
oh well
do you ever listen?
you
don't.
so see how it feels
i promise it's not good
but you'll see
just don't say
that
i
didn't
warn you

undecided.

alright look. what i am about to post, no one has ever seen. honestly i never planned to show anyone this because i truly hate for other people to see what i write. but i figure that if i am as strong as i claim to be, well, then, people should see. this isn't everything, but it's close enough. I wrote all of this the same day as my last post (june 8th) see if you can tell a difference between day & night.Moving forward can't be this hard <3

its summer and already things seem different. i wish i knew why. look, i'm sitting here on my bed, and for the first time in a long time i'm upset and i can't even cry? maybe i really haven't changed that much after all. then again maybe i have. i guess before i would cry over just about anything, and now i can't. i'm just not like all of my friends who wear their hearts on their sleeves. mine is so protected its like a civilian trying to get into Area 51. impossible to get in. after everything that has happened i guess in a way i'm living up the meaning of the name Alexandria: defender of mankind. lately i've been very protective of my friends...i guess after being hurt so bad i never want anyone to feel the same way. so i'll do whatever i can to protect them...everyone has to learn things on their own every now & then right? they can't always learn from the friend's mistakes. and.that.kills.me. because i never want to see my friends hurt. by anyone....its crazy how i knew all of this was going to come out. i felt it last night and knew the second i was alone everything that was built up in my heart would come out. & it sure did. I may never write novels, or stories, or even very good poetry, but one thing i can write is everything that comes from my heart....the difference between head and heart may only be two letters. but when it comes to deciding which one to follow. the difference is huge.

ode to the first night of summer

my official first night of summer was June 6th, and man was it a great start to a great summer. something about short dresses, warm skin, and best friends that just makes everything feel perfect. i have yet to tell you of my best friends so i guess now would be the perfect time. all in all they can be described in one word. amazing. yeah some of us may get annoying, or we might pick on each other, but i think that make us more like a little family (well actually a big one since there is what 9 of us?). we've got the kids who get picked on, but we love no matter what. we've got the occasionally annoying one, that everyone sometimes makes you wonder. we've got the ones who make fun of the other ones. the really really smart ones. and of course we've got the funny ones. i guess the craziest thing though isn't the fact that we have all the components of a family, but rather that we ARE the family. (well actually we're the crew. as we like to call ourselves). the fact that 9 people can be together and have a great time is pretty amazing. most of the time people hang out in a really small group, or a really large one. and ours falls right in the middle. which is perfectly okay with me. Monday night i realized just how much these new people mean to me. after everything that has happened, never in a million years would i have guessed that i would make this many new friends. i remember thinking to myself "the only thing new you'll get, is a different kind of heartache". thank God for being wrong. here is what i really got: a smile constantly on my face, loud music always playing, rowee, adam, seana, zach, alleigh (yeah there's two of us), kennie, and noellie. yeah i might have already had the last two as my best friends, but we've never done what we're doing now and well it makes thing a lot easier...and i guess happier too. i hope it doesn't seem like I'm bragging or anything, but i just really love the people I've got. and all of this made me realize how easily some people can come and go. and how it easy it is sometimes, to replace them. you might be able to go through life without a mom, dad, sibling, or boyfriend/girlfriend. but one thing that every person needs..is a friend. (or multiple). So here's to the summer that is before me, and not to past that is behind me. when it comes to this summer, and my friends....you'll be able to find me.

something like strength

so i bought this book yesterday at Barnes & Noble with all intentions of being slightly bored, but still getting to see pictures of massive waves and cute surfers. Boy was I wrong. To me the most important quality in a person is how strong they are (and i mean emotionally and mentally..not physically). The Wave is all about surfers and their photographers and sponsors and how they travel the world in search of the perfect wave. It focuses on Laird Hamilton. and from what I've learned so far. he.is.insane. he goes to find the needle in the haystack and ride one of the biggest waves in the ocean. while i don't know much about surfing one thing i do know is that it takes a lot of strength. and not just being strong enough to dive, get up, and carve out the face of the wave. These people have to be strong enough to face the ocean after it has ripped them to shreds. & to me...that's pretty amazing. i guess life is kind of like the ocean in the sense that sometimes a rogue wave comes out of nowhere and tries to knock us down. but the question is...will we get back up? i plan on it.

  i'll keep you posted on what goes on while I continue reading, but for now I'll leave you with this: "....two contrary emotions arose in me, fear and desire- fear of the threatening dark cavern, desire to see whether there were marvelous things in it." Leonardo da Vinci

when you want to sing out loud, but can't

so i bought this song on i-tunes a couple of weeks ago and i dunno something about it just made me fall in love. maybe because i've felt like this? or maybe because its real. the last thing a person wants to do is be apart from the one they love and this pretty much explains it all.