everything that drowns me makes me want to fly

A day at work gives me a lot of time to think. A lot of time to think about my friends, what I'm going to do at college in the fall, where I want to live, what job I want, how pretty the sky is, etc. As boring as my job my be at some points, I have found out a lot about myself these past 5 years as a lifeguard.

     I have come to realize that I am no longer content with living life in a little cage. When you grow up in a small town or city you tend to know half of the people you went to school with, everyone at your church or in your neighborhood, and even the cashiers at your grocery store. For some, that is the perfect life. Growing old in small suburbia with a family, a dog, and a great school district. They go on vacations in the summer and have a blast, but they all wish to come home and get back in their routine. See for me, that's where its all wrong. I have come to realize that none of that is something I desire. I watch these little families come to the pool everyday for the entire summer. Its cute to watch sometimes (when their children aren't screaming), but its just not something I see my doing. I think I would go crazy. I would hate to spend the rest of my life "settled down" when in reality I actually just settled. Now don't get me wrong here folks. I love my friends and family more than anyone could ever imagine, and I want nothing more than to spend time with them. However, I can't let anyone hold me back. If I let that happen, chances are I'll resent them when I'm older. I know it sounds stupid to say "all I want to do is travel" so that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I want to use everyday to its full potential. Yes, I would like to move out of NC as soon as possible. Yes, I want to go to a million and half places around the world. Yes, I want a real job that I can wake up every morning and love. My main thing is, I don't want to get stuck in the same old routine that some people around here get stuck in: drop the kids off at school, go to work, cook dinner, watch T.V. (repeat 5 days a week). How fun/enjoyable can that really be? Do they really wake up every morning and love what they are doing? Perhaps they do, I know God has a purpose for everyone and some people are just "family" people. There is nothing wrong with that. I think its great. I just don't believe its for me. I wake up every morning and say prayer thanking God for another day to be alive. I do my best to make every day a great one, and to be as happy and joyful as possible.

     I guess what I'm trying to say is, its hard to talk about the future with your friends when everything you want they don't. Its difficult when people say "Oh you'll change your mind" when you know for a fact that you won't. Its all okay though, God has me going somewhere and that's all I really need to know. The rest will work out on its own.

one day

She has been staring out her foggy window for months on end. She doesn't quite know what she is looking for, but she has come to realize that what she needs isn't coming.

     She can't help but wonder what else is out there. "How far should I go? How long should I stay?" are the two most prominent questions running through her head. Running. That's what she used to do. She used to hide from every problem she had. She used to be afraid, although she would never admit it. Now, she is fearless. Anything and everything that comes her way, she takes it head on. Well, except one. She has learned that sometimes you just have to suck it up. Ignore what you want to do and do what people want to see. However, as she is growing up and getting older, this task is becoming ever more difficult and stressful. You can only hold back the truth for so long, right?
     Slowly but surely she is beginning to feel like she doesn't belong. She feels as though every word from her mouth is rejected or ignored. "Four more years, four more years." those three words flash like a lighthouse beacon in her head every night before bed. That is her light at the end of the tunnel, at least so she thinks. She has changed so much over the past few years she worries if the same will happen again but for the worse. She never wants to lose her passion, her drive. One her many conclusions she has come to over the past year is that she will never let anyone take those two things from her.
     She isn't unhappy that's for sure. Her hope for the future makes her smile, makes her laugh and most importantly, lets her dream. She knows now just how blessed she really is. Even though some things she doesn't like very much, she has learned to appreciate them. People would kill for what she has, and that more than anything makes her thankful.
     Dreaming up adventures is what a day at work gets her. Imagining the beauty and wonder of unseen countries and cities. Basking in the sunshine a world away always eases her racing mind. She sees pictures of  people living her dream lifestyle. Freedom, best friends, and the whole world beneath their feet. That's all she wants. Hell, that's all she needs.

She knows what she needs. A push. A push out of her cage and onto the stage set before her. She can do it. She knows it. She is done staring out her window. It's time for her to be on the other side.